十二月的榴槤

現在生活像一個循環。此刻感覺自己完全放下了，彷彿開始生氣勃勃，下一刻卻發現，還是很想念，心裏沉甸甸空蕩蕩的。

是日鬧鐘未響，六時就醒來。醒來以後迷迷糊糊等到鬧鐘響起，就如常梳洗出門乘車工作。

回到辦公室其實並不想工作，只想躲在房間，靜靜哀悼逝去的，未得的，以為曾經擁有的。整個早上除了基本必須要做的事情，都在靜靜地看有關失去或心碎的金句。

記得 Alain de Botton 說 “Don’t attempt to minimize what’s happened. Allow your sadness so much room… 就決定容許自己多一點時間感覺傷痛。然後，或許，就可以 eventually bore yourself back into an appetite for life.”

“It isn’t a question of them not trying hard enough,” de Botton says. “Remove morality from it. They were not being bad for not loving nor were you good for wanting them. You were both on a search for pleasure that took you on different and conflicting routes.” 其實我都知道明白的。

如今有時已經不太想再在人前提到他，或用說話表達心情。因為有時，自己也覺得彷彿拖得太長。別人或許，亦會開始感覺不耐煩。

S 問我今天工作忙不忙，有沒有什麼重大事情要處理？我說最重大的事情，就是中午跟幾個同事到老闆山頂家中，幫忙把吃不光的榴槤吃掉。

回辦公室後， E 問我心情有否好一點？說我這兩天都頗黑面。我說其實就是反覆地起伏的狀態吧。只是有時候，心彷彿，不輕易接受安慰。我只怕自己會做出一些以後清醒過來會後悔的事情。她又問我 M 還有沒有過來找我？我說有，而某程度上他也是其中一樣我怕我會做的後悔的事。

但有時亦會覺得，經歷過愛情與失去，曾經心碎，似乎更容易體貼別人的痛楚，理解別人的心情。

Those who have suffered understand suffering and therefore extend their hand. - Patti Smith 

The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love. - Hilary Stanton Zunin 

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss