I tried to find his book "The art of Travel" before my Canada trip but have not succeeded, so I haven't really read his books until I came back.
Few days ago I wandered in the school library (which is a small one) looking for books, and accidentally find his book "Essays in Love", and started to read.
It provides some answers for me:
Why I admire people who are "different" from me; why I feel shock/ uneasy when somebody I like likes me back; why I started to lose interest when somebody shows interest; why I want to hide...
"Perhaps becasue the origins of a certain kind of love lie in an impulse to escape ourselves and our weaknesses by an alliance with the beautiful and noble. But if the loved ones love us back, we are forced to return to ourselves, and are hence reminded of the things that had driven us into love in the first place. Perhaps it was not love we wanted after all, perhaps it was simply someone in whom to believe, but how can we continue to believe in the beloved now that they believe in us?"
And in the conclusion, it says:
"There is usually a Marxist moment in every relationship, the moment when it becomes clear that love is reciprocated. The way it is resolved depends on the balance between self-love and self-hatred. If self-hatred gains the upper hand, then the one who has received love will declare that the beloved (on some excuse or other) is not good enough for them (not good enough by virtue of associating with no-goods). But if self-love gains the upper hand, both partners may accept that seeing their love reciprocated is not proof of how low the beloved is, but of how lovable they have themselves turned out to be."
That's why people said "love yourself before you start to love others".
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