害怕受傷

從小到大都很害怕受傷， 大概主要是害怕留下傷痕，又或者是性格保守使然，總是避開"危險"活動。我當然知道小心謹慎是好事，但不敢嘗試，凡事過於小心翼翼卻會導致人生無趣得很。縱使會痛會難過，傷疤難看，但完美無痕的人生又可否稱得上活過？

面對生活如是，面對感情如是。我總是冷靜的想盡辦法令自己做到波浪不驚。

想起哪裡看到的一句：我們有什麼好怕的？來到這世上，就沒想過活著回去。

既然傷口總有天會好，我怕甚麼？

人生大概就是不斷 Pk 的過程。

人生的無奈在於

在意的人不找你
無意的人不放棄

想通了就比較平靜

這幾天在重看 1Q84，看天吾和青豆的故事時彷彿從中了解到些甚麽。感情（暫時不想用愛情這個有重量的字）某程度上總是毫無理由的。十歲那時跟那人握過手，在那短暫的瞬間就交換了內心的一些甚麼。可能是那人某些特質令你深深注目，可能大家都背負著相同的陰暗面。可能你不知道那人何故吸引你，只是難以轉晴。其他人不能在心中留痕，不一定是不夠好，只是不適合，如此而已。你不知道那人在成長過程中留下甚麼傷痕，陰影的面積可能剛好不能承載你的好。似乎一本好的小說除了帶人脫離現實，到異世界一遊以外，也讓你回來時帶點點甚麼的樣子。

早上跟朋友碰面，談到近來的反常。說到看了理性分析的文章已開始釋懷。我可能想得太遠，誤以為他是解決現實不滿的靈藥，但其實到最終，所有問題還是要靠自己解決。而最重要的是 "Don’t connect up the rejection with everything you fear and hate about being you."

"Many of us are predisposed to think especially well of people who don’t want us. It feeds into reserves of self-hatred." 要學習 "stop being so revolted by people who do in fact want us and so admiring of those who don’t."

可能因為我總覺得自己不夠好，所以才會那麼在意同行的女子，與之比較。然後朋友一言道破，其實我覺得他不似是你會喜歡的類型。可能你只是把他想像得太好。即使一起，其實他應該不會懂得如何照顧愛惜你。

今期金句：
做自己，唔好因為一個人迷失左。
我意思係，寧願攞時間去improve自己，不要讓自己為一個人上落太久。
被一個人完全牽著情緒走，只係一個還未在一起的人，不值得。
你鐘意佢，其實一係act，一係放棄。
咁鍾意一個人其實幾好，會令自己想變成更好的人。

雖然有時，我也不知道如何做自己，因為有時都不知道自己到底是一個什麼的人。人心太複雜，連自己心思都難以掌握。

How to get over rejection

Don’t imagine anyone can love on command. The capacity to feel attracted lies outside the will. It isn’t a question of not trying hard enough.

Many of us are predisposed to think especially well of people who don’t want us. It feeds into reserves of self-hatred. This isn’t romanticism, it’s an illness. The true challenge is to stop being so revolted by people who do in fact want us and so admiring of those who don’t.

Don’t connect up the rejection with everything you fear and hate about being you.

Don’t accuse them of cowardice. Don’t exaggerate their qualities, insist on their uniqueness, offer them sex in the hope of changing their mind, imagine that people can fall back in love with someone out of pity or of guilt – or defensively maintain that they had a ‘fear of intimacy.’

For the most part, laugh.

On the Madness and Charm of Crushes

心緒不定的時候，就看冷靜而理智的分析。

=================================
The book of life

You are introduced to someone at a conference. They look nice and you have a brief chat about the theme of the keynote speaker. But already, partly because of the slope of their neck and a lilt in their accent, you have reached an overwhelming conclusion. Or, you sit down in the carriage – and there, diagonally opposite you – is someone you cannot stop looking at for the rest of a journey across miles of darkening countryside. You know nothing concrete about them. You are going only by what their appearance suggests. You note that they have slipped a finger into a book (The Food of the Middle East), that their nails are bitten raw, that they have a thin leather strap around their left wrist and that they are squinting a touch short-sightedly at the map above the door. And that is enough to convince you. Another day, coming out of the supermarket, amidst a throng of people, you catch sight of a face for no longer than eight seconds and yet here too, you feel the same overwhelming certainty – and, subsequently, a bittersweet sadness at their disappearance in the anonymous crowd.

Crushes: they happen to some people often and to almost everyone sometimes. Airports, trains, streets, conferences – the dynamics of modern life are forever throwing us into fleeting contact with strangers, from amongst whom we pick out a few examples who seem to us not merely interesting, but more powerfully, the solution to our lives. This phenomenon – the crush – goes to the heart of the modern understanding of love. It could seem like a small incident, essentially comic and occasionally farcical. It may look like a minor planet in the constellation of love, but it is in fact the underlying secret central sun around which our notions of the romantic revolve.



A crush represents in pure and perfect form the dynamics of romantic philosophy: the explosive interaction of limited knowledge, outward obstacles to further discovery – and boundless hope.

The crush reveals how willing we are to allow details to suggest a whole. We allow the arch of someone’s eyebrow to suggest a personality. We take the way a person puts more weight on their right leg as they stand listening to a colleague as an indication of a witty independence of mind. Or their way of lowering their head seems proof of a complex shyness and sensitivity. From a few cues only, you anticipate years of happiness, buoyed by profound mutual sympathy. They will fully grasp that you love your mother even though you don’t get on well with her; that you are hard-working, even though you appear to be distracted; that you are hurt rather than angry. The parts of your character that confuse and puzzle others will at last find a soothing, wise, complex soulmate.


The answer to life

In elaborating a whole personality from a few small – but hugely evocative – details, we are doing for the inner character of a person what our eyes naturally do with the sketch of a face.



We don’t see this as a picture of someone who has no nostrils, eight strands of hair and no eyelashes. Without even noticing that we are doing it, we fill in the missing parts. Our brains are primed to take tiny visual hints and construct entire figures from them – and we do the same when it comes to character. We are – much more than we give ourselves credit for – inveterate artists of elaboration. We have evolved to be ready to make quick decisions about people (to trust or withhold, to fight or embrace, to share or deny) on the basis of very limited evidence – the way someone looks at us, how they stand, a twitch of the lips, a slight movement of the shoulder – and we bring this ingenious but fateful talent to situations of love as much to those of danger.

The cynical voice wants to declare that these enthusiastic imaginings at the conference or on the train, in the street or in the supermarket, are just delusional; that we simply project a false, completely imaginary idea of identity onto an innocent stranger. But this is too sweeping. We may be right. The wry posture may really belong to someone with a great line in scepticism; the head tilter may be unusually generous to the foibles of others. The error of the crush is more subtle, it lies in how easily we move from spotting a range of genuinely fine traits of character to settling on a recklessly naive romantic conclusion: that the other across the train aisle or pavement constitutes a complete answer to our inner needs.



The primary error of the crush lies in overlooking a central fact about people in general, not merely this or that example, but the species as a whole: that everyone has something very substantially wrong with them once their characters are fully known, something so wrong as to make an eventual mockery of the unlimited rapture unleashed by the crush. We can’t yet know what the problems will be, but we can and should be certain that they are there, lurking somewhere behind the facade, waiting for time to unfurl them.

How can one be so sure? Because the facts of life have deformed all of our natures. No one among us has come through unscathed. There is too much to fear: mortality, loss, dependency, abandonment, ruin, humiliation, subjection. We are, all of us, desperately fragile, ill-equipped to meet with the challenges to our mental integrity: we lack courage, preparation, confidence, intelligence. We don’t have the right role models, we were (necessarily) imperfectly parented, we fight rather than explain, we nag rather than teach, we fret instead of analysing our worries, we have a precarious sense of security, we can’t understand either ourselves or others well enough, we don’t have an appetite for the truth and suffer a fatal weakness for flattering denials. The chances of a perfectly good human emerging from the perilous facts of life are non-existent. Our fears and our frailties play themselves out in a thousand ways, they can make us defensive or aggressive, grandiose or hesitant, clingy or avoidant – but we can be sure that they will make everyone much less than perfect and at moments, extremely hard to live with.

We don’t have to know someone in any way before knowing this about them. Naturally, their particular way of being flawed (very annoying) will not be visually apparent and may be concealed for quite long periods. If we only encounter another person in a fairly limited range of situations (a train journey, rather than when they are trying to get a toddler into a car seat; a conference, rather than 87 minutes into a shopping trip with their elderly father) we may, for a very long time indeed (especially if we are left alone to convert our enthusiasm into an obsession because they don’t call us back or are playing it cool), have the pleasure of believing we have landed upon an angel.



A mature person thinks, not, ‘There’s nothing good here’, but rather ‘The genuinely good things will – inevitably – come mixed up with really terrible things’

Maturity doesn’t suggest we give up on crushes. Merely that we definitively give up on the founding romantic idea upon which the Western understanding of relationships and marriage has been based for the past 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can solve all our needs and satisfy our yearnings. We need to swap the Romantic view for the Tragic Awareness of Love, which states that every human can be guaranteed to frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us – and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. This is a truth chiselled indelibly into the script of life. Choosing who to marry or commit ourselves to is therefore merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for, rather than an occasion miraculously to escape from grief.

We should enjoy our crushes. A crush teaches us about qualities we admire and need to have more of in our lives. The person on the train really does have an extremely beguiling air of self-deprecation in their eyes. The person glimpsed by the fresh fruit counter really does promise to be a gentle and excellent parent. But these characters will, just as importantly, also be sure to ruin our lives in key ways, as all those we love will.

A caustic view of crushes shouldn’t depress us, merely relieve the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon long-term relationships. The failure of one particular partner to be the ideal Other is not – we should always understand – an argument against them; it is by no means a sign that the relationship deserves to fail or be upgraded. We have all necessarily, without being damned, ended up with that figure of our nightmares, ‘the wrong person.’

Romantic pessimism simply takes it for granted that one person should not be asked to be everything to another. With this truth accepted, we can look for ways to accommodate ourselves as gently and as kindly as we can to the awkward realities of life beside another fallen creature, for example, never feeling that we have to spend all of our time with them, being prepared for the disappointments of erotic life, not insisting on complete transparency, being ready to be maddened and to madden, making sure we are allowed to keep a vibrant independent social life and maintaining a clear-eyed refusal to act on sudden desires to run off with strangers on trains… A mature understanding of the madness of crushes turns out to be the best and perhaps the only solution to the tensions of long-term love.

If we tried to put a crush into practice and settled down with this individual (as our fantasy prompts) we’d find all this out soon enough. In order to enjoy a crush we have to understand that that is what it is. If we think that we are in fact encountering a person who will make us happy, who will actually be the ideal person to live and grow old with we are – inadvertently – destroying the specific satisfaction the crush brings. The pleasure depends on our recognising that we are imagining an ideal person, not really finding one.

To crush well is to realise that the lovely person we sketch in our heads is our creation: a creation that says more about us, than about them. But what it says about us is important. The crush gives us access to our own ideals. We may not really be getting to know another person properly, but we are growing our insight into who we really are.

如果

如果不滿就進化

如果妒忌就改變

如果失落就安慰

如果走迷就努力尋覓

如果窒息就大力吸氣

如果想哭就分散注意

如果喜歡。。。

就誠實對待               

Peter pan

有時覺得自己就像 Peter pan一樣不願長大，所以遇事就拉扯。

一方面告誡自己不要經常讓情緒牽動 ，要成熟，要知道這個世界，不是要風得風的世界。

另一方面，還是不由自主地讓情緒牽著鼻子走。彷彿故意沉溺般不願自拔，聽著不同的情歌，享受著自虐的快感。

又有時，突然有種淡然的平靜。告訴自己神有安排。

剛剛寫下的心情因手機問題全部消失了，好像自己心情無用不受重視的感覺，很想哭。

文字是我的安慰劑。

旅行後很想念。然而發現自己對自己都不能坦白，不斷剖析自己心理。告訴自己可能不是真的那麼喜歡他，可能只是生活圈子太窄，需要一點甚麼令情緒波動，所以迷惑了。還有很多好男孩，或許只是自尋煩惱。其實可能只是因怕受傷害，於是情願隱藏自己。從小開始都是這樣，不敢表達自己的心情跟想法。明明喜歡，卻裝作不在意。其實讓他或其他人知道又如何？

朋友一句，咁鐘意一個人其實幾好，差點流淚。

"Shining stars all seems to congregate around your face."

離別時我轉身得多乾脆，內心就有多不捨，還笑說不用想我。

有點想念

就在公司無人角落輕輕聽歌，慢慢想念。

回港了

可能是旅行時間太短，路程太近，到家後還是有種不實在的感覺。
簡單寫下未經沉澱的旅程。

第一日
中午跟從前喜歡的男子乘機，到台中跟另外兩個朋友會合。下機後就發現m到，雖然是預料之內，仍然感覺複雜地失落。兩男兩女的自駕行。從前喜歡的男子現在喜歡她，她表現曖昧；我覺得他不錯，他若即若離。在台中機場駕車在旁邊廣場吃午飯，然後開車到墾丁夜市，逛過後到民宿 checkin。是夜，認床加上生理期，意料之內整晚失眠。然而，也有從前的他陪我失眠。

第二日
早上他們仨去潛水+浮潛，我不下水，就到國立海洋生物博物館亂逛，坐在大屏幕前發發呆，感覺大海帶來的平靜。中午會合後到鵝鑾鼻燈塔，最南點，吊橋參觀拍照。夕陽無限好。晚上去看出火，黑夜路黑提供了握緊他手的最佳理由。是夜星光燦爛。

在民宿附近沙灘石路仆倒，手腳擦傷。回去簡單消毒後，從前的他跟她繼續未完的花火；我與他一傷一病，躲在民宿休息，得到簡單聊天的機會。

第三日
早上他們仨去水上單車，我到附近咖啡廳看書發呆，吃一件小蛋糕，外帶一件給他們運動後服用。重看＜我們仨＞，遇見可愛粉嫩的小童，想像自身將來的模樣。

中午飯後出發去射擊，第一次開真槍，滿滿的火藥味。其後駕車到高雄，聊天時就覺得，縱然性格不同，但自己的生活相比之下，還是太枯躁。到高雄後先去逛夜市，然後本來說去clubbing，但由於兩個男子短褲未能進場，就回歸。途中他說身後有人對我吹口哨，我完全沒察覺，只是暗自希望他也覺得我不錯。看到她跟他的互動，心裡有點不是味道，就開始沉默，還道是因為睏倦。

晚上跟她有獨處聊天的時間，談到兩名男子。我欲探究其真心意，又怕自己透露太多。

第四日
機場附近急急買了手信，我跟從前的他乘機回港。他與她繼續旅程。

跟從前喜歡的男子去旅行

同行還有兩個朋友。或許因為內心還存一絲希望，所以偶爾失落就落寞。

一下機就見紅，然後一直感覺虛弱不適。因為認床，又抱恙，第一晚是預料中的輾轉反側。但因為知道他也是，就彷彿有種安慰。

好不容易到天明。

Road trip 整體感覺良好，也或許是同伴的原因。

Happy go lucky

繪畫就是擁有

我用筆輕撫你的五官
頸 肩膊 雙手 纖細的五指
塗塗畫畫抹抹刷刷改改
把你塑造成心中的樣式
然後暗自竊喜

在描繪你的過程中
我創造 再現
並擁有